I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
