if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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