Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
