So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
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I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
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you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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