Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
