I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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