but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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