i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
