I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
