While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
