John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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