Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
