No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
