they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
