My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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