I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
