if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize