call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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