No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
