My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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