Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
We left the knife in your bed.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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