dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
