even my farts smell like vagina
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
