Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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