So drunk, too bad you don't want this
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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