can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize