why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
