i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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