after a month anything with tits is on the radar
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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