he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
