You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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