Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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