he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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