ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
