Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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