Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
