i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
