All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
