Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
