If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
