Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
