Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
