The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
