we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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