My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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