Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
