so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize