you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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