the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
