the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
My liver just broke up with me...
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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