my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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