If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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