that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
