I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
