The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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