i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
