you're like a bully in the Christmas story
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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