If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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