you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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