New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
